Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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