It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
