did you get engaged???
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
