the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
