I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
