life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
