did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
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Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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