apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
