Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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