Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
