Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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