Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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