I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
