I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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