Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
