when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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