saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
