addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
