Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
