i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
