Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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