At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Everyone says I win the strip club
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
