I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
too bad you live with your parents still
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
