You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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