i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
