I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
