i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
