someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
