Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
if only i could text you this smell
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
