I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...