How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
last night I used snow as a chaser