I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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