i wish my penis had a tongue
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
