just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
