i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
third nipple confirmed
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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