Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
