Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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