so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
