I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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