i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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