I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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