everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
