I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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