This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
