take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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