So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
