He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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