and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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