It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
