I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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