they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
