Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
