I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
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Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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