watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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