I'm going to jail i love you
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
