watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
